


Biotic Freckles

by The Space Bard (GraceJordan)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22348321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraceJordan/pseuds/The%20Space%20Bard
Summary: After both being rejected by Anya Shepard, Kaidan Alenko and Liara T'Soni grow closer than either of them ever meant to. And they both aren't really sure how to feel about that.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Liara T'Soni
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Preface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intro to my off-shoot romance drabbles where, after Shepard rejects them both, Kaidan and Liara fall in love

This is a spin-off of my Shep/Garrus romance called Drunk Punch Love; after all, rejection isn't easy

So what if Kaidan and Liara accidentally fell for each other to survive it?


	2. Seeing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan isn't dealing too well with how Shepard rejected him, and neither is Liara, even though she's leaving

How much longer could Kaidan Alenko spend brooding over the fact that the woman he loved saw him as an annoying puppy?

In theory, forever. But he was a soldier, so probably he probably wouldn’t make it that long. Maybe she’d finally notice him if he died a noble sacrifice.

That went darker than he meant. 

Who was he kidding? Staying hung up on her would be dumb, and thinking like that was pathetic. Commander Anya Shepard clearly didn’t have any feelings for him. 

He fell for her because she saved his life and she fought everything with a fire in her eyes, a beacon on the battlefield. But she was also kind and treated her subordinates like friends; family. Every CO he’d ever had was interested in his L2’s and the headaches, mostly for intel reasons. But none of them asked how he got them and how sometimes it felt like he wasn’t a lucky survivor, but a cursed leftover. 

Shepard understood that, the cursed thing. She said it was how she felt about Akuze, the mission that made her famous. He never knew someone like her could feel like him. 

Hell, Kaidan could still remember the first time they met. Anderson brought him onto his ship as a new lieutenant and was touting him around, giving him the grand tour. Everyone was respectful and saluting, some making a few quips, but they all were the typical soldier types. He’d seen so many of them, passing around from ship to ship to be the resident biotic for X, Y, or Z mission. The whole process felt like old news. 

But then they got to the cockpit, and instead of classic Alliance garb, there was a woman with long, brown hair bandaging up the shoulder of a shirtless pilot. Her thick brows were furrowed, her sweatpants were practically falling off her hips, and she just had a sports bra on top. Not exactly military standard. And when she glanced up at Anderson, she didn’t look flustered like she got caught doing something wrong, just kinda annoyed. 

Kaidan was horrified and also instantly wanted to know everything about her. 

She went back to the pilot’s wounds, saying, “Joker cracked his bone while high-fiving his co-pilot. Just mitigating the damage.”

Anderson chuckled, like this was the norm here. “Lieutenant Alenko, the one with the chip on his shoulder is Joker, the best pilot you can get. And next to him is my second in command, Commander Anya Shepard.” 

After she tucked the bandage into itself, she straightened in front of Kaidan and extended her hand. He took it, rough calluses under smooth skin, but still couldn’t adjust to the fact she was like... this. “Nice to meet you, Alenko. Not to hi and bye, but I was just brushing my teeth when Joker graciously called my ass up here, so I’m going to finish that. She gave a wave and then walked off the bridge. 

He didn’t even get to say anything to her, and he was mesmerized. 

Anderson filled in the empty space. “Shepard is my best officer; an infiltrator. You’ll be working closely with her on ground missions, but you’ll have to keep up. She’s a great shot but she’s not a very patient one. Her teams move quick. We can have a more formal introduction later.”

“So she’s always like that?”

“Only the best could ever get away with it.”

And Anderson was right. He learned more in those first few days with her than he ever did running practical drills on other ships. Shepard liked the unconventional, and it made her a stronger fighter and leader. 

With how informal she was, he also caught a lot more of that sweats look than he ever meant to. But Kaidan had to admit, he liked how she looked with her hair down.

Looking around the bunks, he was one of the only people there at the moment. Only essential personnel to run the ship were left. It was kinda sad, how even though she broke his heart he was the one sticking around for so long. Guess he couldn’t get over her just yet.

Harder to when she’s the best boss you’ve ever had, and you’d be a fool to quit one of the best military jobs in the galaxy. 

But just as he was settling down in his bed of tragic misery, his omni-tool pinged. On it, there was a message from Liara T’Soni. _Come by my room later, please._

Kaidan was a tad perplexed. They’d never been super close, but it was her last night on the Normandy, so maybe she was just saying her goodbyes. She said later, but Kaidan had nothing better to do. Swinging off his bed, he pulled on some pants, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked over to the med bay and her science office. 

She had never been comfortable, sleeping with the soldiers. He couldn’t blame her; it wasn’t her scene. His parents would say it wasn’t his, either, but they were kind-hearted Canadians. They never really got the military in the first place. 

Maybe they would’ve done a better job swaying him if they hadn’t sent him to that biotic school.

When he made it to Liara’s door, he gave it a simple knock. She opened it within seconds, but she looked all flustered. “Hello, Kaidan.” She scratched her head and then added, “I thought I asked you to come later.”

With a smirk, Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh. “I mean, it is later.”

“You’re... correct.” She glanced behind her and seemed a little distressed. 

“Do you need me to actually come back later?”

Liara shook her head at him like he’d said something absolutely absurd. It was kinda adorable. He had to admit, her absent-minded professor schtick was kinda refreshing after all the keep-it-tough soldier energy he’d been stuck with. “No. I apologize for the mess. I had hoped to be more packed when you got here.”

“A little mess doesn’t bother me.” Liara gave him a tortured look and let him in. Safe to say, a little mess was an understatement on his part. Her desk was covered in Prothean Artifacts, her clothes were haphazardly falling out of a bag, and even more artifacts and books were littered around the room. Only some of them were properly boxed up. “Never knew you had so much stuff in here.”

Scanning the room, Liara looked overwhelmed. Her hands kept twisting and knotting, which seemed to suggest this wasn’t how it normally looked. He kinda wanted to grab them just to save her from dislocating a finger. “I didn’t either. I had everything catalogued and organized on the shelves and under the bed so I didn’t see them, and we just stopped so many places with Prothean tech... I guess I collected a lot more than I thought.”

She gave the room a couple more frantic looks, and Kaidan made a decision. “Okay, whatever you want to talk about can wait. I’m going to help you pack.”

“You don’t have to--”

“I insist.” 

Liara gave him this soft, thankful smile, but she also kinda looked at him like she pitied him. She didn’t need to know that it was this or thinking about Shepard’s brutal rejection. Prothean Artifacts would always seem better. So he just asked, “Okay, so how have you been organizing things?”

For a few minutes, Liara explained her process. Then, they got to work. They bantered a bit about missions and crewmates, but otherwise they focused on the task at hand. It was nice to do something that had absolutely nothing to do with Shepard. Instead it was just him, Liara, and all these pieces of history. Liara even explained a few of them to him, and they were cooler than he’d thought they were. 

And then everything was put away.

And then it was just them, the air, and whatever Liara had to say. 

She suddenly looked all grave and patted the metal chest in front of her bed like it was a seat. Well, guess they were using it as one. Kaidan didn’t know how to feel, sitting down next to her with her looking at him like that. Her deep blue eyes were so sympathetic and sad. 

When they were side by side, she placed her hand on his knee. “Kaidan, I know Shepard finally told you. And I’m sorry she didn’t feel the same way.”

“Why are you giving me a speech?”

“Because I thought you might want a friend who knows how you feel.”

Kaidan swallowed, looking at the scientist in a new light. That melancholy in her blue eyes was familiar; he saw it in the mirror. “You had feelings for her, too.”

“Yes. But, like you, she wasn’t interested. And I know how much that must hurt, because I’m hurting as well. I figured I might be able to support you better than your soldier friends, before I go.”

Staring at the space between his legs, between his hands, Kaidan was still stunned by the revelation of Liara being his romantic rival. And worse, the fact neither of them got the girl. Guess Shepard really just wanted to be alone, huh? At least in that way. Instead of musing until his brain bled, he said, “Thanks for thinking of me.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

He shrugged, picturing his future on this ship, one without loving her. “Yeah. It’ll take time, but I’d rather be on the Normandy than anywhere else.”

“I wish I was as strong. Anya offered to personally ferry me from dig site to dig site, but I couldn’t. I feel bad, she wants so desperately for none of us to leave her. But she refuses to just ask us to stay instead of giving all these elaborate offers. I hope she learns to open up to people, even if it’s not me.”

Listening to her, Kaidan felt the weight of her words weigh on his shoulders and bury into his heart. “I was hoping I could be that person for her.”

“Me, too.” Liara laughed, and it was so soft and light. It didn’t make him feel patronized; just heard. “I wanted someone who wanted to share who they are with me. I thought it was her, but she shares stories, not who she is. I just--”

“You just wanted to be seen. And get to see them, too.”

Liara’s eyes met his, and they were still wistful and hurt, but they were also filled with hope and softness. Her freckles laid across her cheeks like the constellations of her world. Where Shepard kept hiding away from him, Liara was a soulful, open person filled with emotion and kindness. 

And while he admired everything about Shepard, he found he couldn’t look away from Liara. 

“Liara, we--”

She pressed her fingers against his lips and scanned his face. “If you’re feeling what I’m feeling, that should be enough for us tonight. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Kaidan didn’t need more prompting than that. His arms wrapped around her waist and he pulled Liara close, pressing his lips against hers. And unlike his last attempt, she didn’t pull away or punch him. Instead, her hands cradled his face.

How good it felt to be wanted. 

He didn’t know if whatever was happening between them was real or just the byproduct of sharing heartbreak. But with her mouth on his, Kaidan finally felt like he was getting a taste of what he had been trying so hard to make Shepard give him. 

Getting as close as he could to her, he didn’t try to think about tomorrow or what would be next. Kaidan just held her tight and enjoyed the next few hours of being wanted, all of him, by a beautiful woman he also admired. 

It didn’t matter if it wasn’t love. For tonight, it didn’t need to be. 

Hours later, he wasn’t so sure what he felt anymore. Liara’s freckles were still laying out the map of her soul on her face, her shoulders, and beyond, and Shepard was still someone he loved so hard it ached. The woman next to him was beautiful and genuine and he couldn’t help but see her in a new light. But it didn’t change the fact that Shepard changed his life. 

And he was the one that had to live with that dichotomy. 

But for now, he couldn’t make things complicated by spending all night with her. This wasn’t some bar hook-up on the Citadel; he just slept with the Asari researcher who was leaving tomorrow. And it was on the ship of the woman he once, or maybe still, loved. 

So for now, he couldn’t stay.

Shaking Liara’s shoulder, he said, “I have to go.”

Initially, she groaned. But as her eyes opened, softened, and then filled with concern, she nodded. “Yes. Probably. This is already a very complicated situation.”

“Agreed.” Kaidan pulled on his clothes, trying to stop his mind from racing about all the ways this could go terribly wrong and how maybe, this was also a terrible mistake. Then he glanced back at Liara, though, wrapped in her blanket and giving him an awkward, hesitant smile, and he knew even that was more complicated than just good or bad. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Be seeing you, alright?”

Liara didn’t look so sure, but she nodded anyway. “Yes. I’ll be seeing you.”

And that’s when Kaidan left her room, like none of that happened. It was really late at night- or early in the day, depending on who you asked- but all he had to do was get across the mess and then he’d-

“On a 4 am stroll, Alenko?”

Kaidan’s stomach dropped out of the goddamn ship to see Commander Shepard, dark hair tied up in a ponytail, sitting at one of the tables with this bemused look on her face. 

_Dammit._


	3. Normandy's End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara departs, and Kaidan spends his last few days on the Normandy before an unexpected enemy hits

Of all the places he’d dreamed of ending up in his life, none of the things on his list included standing in between the boss he had a helpless crush on and the brilliant scientist he’d just slept with. 

Running into Shepard last night, right after walking out of Liara’s room, was not his favorite embarrassing moment. What made it worse is that she didn’t really care; if anything, she just found it amusing. 

Hell, he was happy to have Shepard as a friend, and the easy way they talked like that mattered a lot to him. Yet, his heart still did jumping jacks around her sometimes and he didn’t know how to deal with that. 

But watching Shepard and Liara hug at least made it less awkward. It wasn’t like anything in this exchange had anything to do with his dumb choices, it was just a bizarre scenario. The kind of scenario he thought he was too responsible and mature to end up in. Kaidan guessed wrong there. 

“If you ever need anything, Liara, we’ll come get you.”

Dr. T’Soni flashed a dazzling smile, but it didn’t lack its own hints of blue. And not the typical Asari kind. “I know, Shepard. I’ll miss you, too.” They pulled each other in for one last hug, Liara seemed to whisper something in her ear, and Shepard stepped back, looking a little shaken by it. She waved and walked off to make sure the drop ship was ready. 

And then Liara turned to him. Kaidan was pretty sure his ears were red, but he was too damn embarrassed to check. He’d just bring attention to them and he really didn’t need to get reamed for that. Instead, he just took a step closer to her. “So, you’re leaving.”

She crossed her arms behind her back, but was careful to brush her pinky finger against his thigh. Kaidan kept his eyes forward. Act casual and natural, that was what he was supposed to do, right? Liara said, “So, you’re bad at goodbyes.”

“I guess I am.” Taking a side step and turning towards her, Kaidan extended his hand, full formal. “It’s been an honor serving with you, Dr. T’Soni.”

Liara looked down at his hand like he just offered her a tentacle. Gently, she picked it up and shook it. “Likewise?”

Then, Kaidan pulled her arm towards him and went for a hug. Unlike the handshake, Liara responded with warmth. It felt like the right thing to do, now that he thought about it. And he knew it was lasting longer than two casual colleagues should hug, but regulations be damned. It wasn’t like Shepard was great at keeping them up to code, anyway. 

When they disentangled, Kaidan grinned at all those freckles across her face. They were really growing on him, and fast. But he wanted to say that without being so, well... obvious. “I wish we’d spent more time together on this mission. You’re a fascinating woman, Liara T’Soni.”

While he didn’t know how Asari biology worked down to the capillaries, he could’ve sworn she blushed. “Maybe another time, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.”

Trying to be a little bold, Kaidan reached forward and grabbed her hand, squeezing her fingertips quick before Shepard was barking at her to get on the drop ship. Liara squeezed back. But then she was walking onto the ship, standing next to the Commander, with her hair down, and disappearing behind metal doors. 

God, what had he gotten himself into?

Kaidan had a few days to ask himself that. They were travelling to Alchera and there wasn’t much to do except try not to annoy Joker or be the third wheel to Shepard and Garrus’ bizarre friendship. He really couldn’t understand it, every third sentence was a reference to a movie or moment that he hadn’t seen or wasn’t there for. It made deciphering them impossible. 

So, he was understandably a bit broodish, often left alone to his thoughts. And now, they weren’t just about Shepard. They were about Liara, too. Kaidan wished he could say he jumped ship, picked the girl who had any interest in him, but it was hard to forget Shepard existed when her existence took up the entire ship. 

Maybe he’d have a clearer head when he took shore leave in a few days. 

It was their last day scouting Alchera, when Shepard and Joker threw an impromptu goodbye party for Garrus. There was a lot of soldier talk and even drunken speeches (almost entirely from the pilot). But he could tell he wasn’t the only one brooding anymore. There was this somber, morbid energy coming off both Shepard and Garrus, and he couldn’t quite decode the dark looks they kept giving each other. 

Instead, he thought it was best to give them some space. So after one more drunken speech, he whisked Joker away. For the best, really, guy didn’t need to be that drunk anyway. 

Kaidan just grabbed a several bottles of water and they both went to hang out in the cockpit, like all civilized people do. Joker was sitting in his chair and Kaidan sat in the co-pilot’s seat, sipping their water. Joker was the first to speak. “I wasn’t kidding, she’s gonna be the worst once he’s gone.”

Looking out to the stars ahead, Kaidan nodded. “They do spend a lot of time together.”

“I am so not ready for her to be all moody everywhere. It was annoying enough when it happened with Rike.” Kaidan was only half paying attention, but at the name “Rike”, his ears perked up. Wasn’t that the name of the officer she liked in Academy? And if he was remembering right, why was Joker bringing him up when talking about-

But then Joker kept on talking over his thoughts. “You did the smart thing, giving up on her. She’s a goddamn handful, and that’s even without all the Garrus mess she’s made for herself.”

He put down his water bottle and sat straight up, like a bolt of lightning, of clarity, just shot through him. Whatever he thought he was interrupting, though, he didn’t want it to be right. “What are you talking about?”

The slowly unbuzzing pilot laughed straight in his face. “Stop that. Everyone knows Anya’s in love with him. Lady always had a thing for aliens.”

Just then, so many memories started smacking Kaidan in the face. The way she still looked so hurt when talking about heartbreak a few nights ago. How gentle Liara was about him getting let down, like it should sting more. The way they always were sneaking off to hang out alone, and the way she smiled at him, like no one else existed. And that night, after Noveria. All drunk Shepard wanted to do was glue herself to Garrus’ side. And Garrus held onto her like he’d never let her go. 

Did loving her really make him so dumb? How did he not see any of it before? 

Joker, unhelpful as ever, just kept talking. “Funnier part is, clueless idiot Shep thinks he doesn’t like her. You’d have to be blind to not see he’s obsessed with her. They just have their heads too far up each other’s asses to think straight.” 

Kaidan didn’t know if he should laugh or lament. He spent months pining after her, and it never mattered. It wasn’t that she just chose the job over romance. It was that she wanted someone else. And it wasn’t him. 

So, that last fantasy of her wanting to be with him once the Reapers were dead was gone. Things with her really were over and hopeless. 

Before Kaidan could even try to contribute to the reality-shattering news, a rocky ship appeared in front of the Normandy. And even before Joker could get a good handle on the helm, they shot a vicious yellow lazer at them that tore through the hull. Every one of his senses was now on fire, and he kicked the rest of the water bottles away. 

All he had to do was stand to see that the cockpit was the only part of the bridge left standing. Everything behind it, all the way to the elevator, was now shot into space. Kaidan could barely breathe, let alone think. He just found her name on his lips. “Shepard.”

Joker started yelling behind him. “I’ll get the ship running from that sunuvabitch, you make sure she’s okay.”

He didn’t have to be told twice. 

Gearing up with the spare helmet and suit by the helm’s exit bay, he traversed the broken deck and went downstairs. When he got to the crew floor, he checked on the pilot he left. He said into his comms, “Joker, you better prep for evac.”

“Absolutely not, I am not leaving the Normandy.”

Okay, that was a stubborn problem they could deal with later. 

Across the open room, he saw Garrus and Shepard gearing up, watched her sweep her long hair into her classic, tight bun. A knot of biotics stopped pooling in his rib cage. For now, she was okay, and all he had to do was report and help her save the people on this ship. 

He grabbed a hobbling helmsman who ended up at the bottom of the stairs and walked over to them. They were now yelling in front of the escape pods, and he wasn’t sure about what. Shepard’s voice was the first he heard clearly. “Do one more quick look for other survivors, and then you get my people out of here.”

Next to her, Garrus looked more frightened and vulnerable than he’d ever seen him before. But Shepard barely could meet his eyes. He said, “Shepard, I’m not leaving you.”

It felt like such an awkward, intimate moment to interrupt, especially knowing what he knew now. But he glanced around the deck and gave the sort of assessment he was supposed to give. “We’ve gotten a lot of people out, but there’s one problem: Joker’s refusing to leave the ship.”

Shepard’s face twisted, and Kaidan’s stomach dropped. He realized that he may have made the biggest mistake of his life. Thumbing her helmet, she said, “Idiot.” But without missing a beat, she put on her game face and turned into the Commander he’d follow anywhere. “Alenko, Vakarian, get these people out. I’ll find Joker and send anyone else toward the leftover escape pods.”

Kaidan was ready to follow her orders, like he should. She was Shepard, she’d figure it out. 

But Garrus didn’t seem satisfied. He grabbed the Commander’s arm and refused to let go. It was almost like he was suffocating, looking at her. “And what about you? I won’t let you go alone.”

In a few quick expressions, Kaidan saw Anya showing more emotion looking at Garrus than he ever saw when she looked at him. But she shoved off the turian’s hand and insisted. “I’ll find you. Now, that was an order. Go.”

And then she was jogging off to the stairs, like it was that easy. He and Garrus pulled the last few nearby people into the pod and then hit eject, watching Anya Shepard climb the stairs and into oblivion.

He kept on telling himself she was going to be okay, because that’s what she did. She was the survivor of Akuze, the Hero of the Citadel, the first human Spectre. She was Commander Anya Shepard.

As he finished buckling himself in, he heard Garrus say, “You were with Joker when we got hit, right? You should’ve stayed with him until evac. Or did you forget that because you’re just too damn blind about your feelings?”

Kaidan didn’t know what to say. His certainty about her safety wavered, looking across the escape pod at Garrus’s dark face, teeming with rage. When the turian finally glanced up at Kaidan, his blue eyes had glazed over and he seemed ready to rip his throat out with his own teeth. Giving a low growl, Garrus said, “That’s what I thought.” He let Kaidan’s chest start to ache in the silence before adding, “If she doesn’t make it out of this, Alenko, I’ll kill you myself.”

///

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final crossover chapter with Drunk Punch Love for awhile, but soon I'll just be getting into where Kaidan (and Liara) go from here


	4. The Grieving Process

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya Shepard's funeral has left a hole in everyone's heart, and Kaidan's finding his own ways to deal with the space she's left

They buried Anya Jane Shepard about a week later. There wasn’t a body in the coffin, but the funeral service was the largest he’d ever seen. Anderson and Joker both made speeches about how much they honored and loved her. And her mother, Admiral Oksana Shepard, gave the eulogy. She didn’t shed a tear, but that somehow only made her look even more heartbroken.

Everyone who’d left the ship had shown up for the services. Tali, Wrex, Liara. They all stood together, the crew of the Normandy, one last time. 

Other than Shepard, the only person missing was Garrus. But he was steering clear of anyone and everyone. The guy couldn’t be found without a clenched fist and the stiffest posture he’d ever seen.

After the speeches stopped, Kaidan tried to talk to him. Even got as close as a few feet away. But Garrus just glared at him, shoved past his shoulder a little too hard, and went in the opposite direction. He wasn’t really concerned about Garrus going through with his threat.Kaidan’s only concern was that Garrus might throw his head through a glass window before he felt any remorse about it. However, he tried to just give the guy some space because he could tell when he made it that it was the kind of anger made from fear and pain. 

And it probably only made it worse that his fear was justified. 

Out of the entire Normandy crew, only 3 helmsman and Commander Shepard didn’t make it. She made sure everyone else made it. 

No one was taking losing her well. Whether she was a symbol, a hero, or a friend, everyone felt the goddamn empty space she left. It was deafening. 

Garrus seemed like he’d rather shoot someone than have company, but the second he could, Kaidan slipped away from Alliance ranks and joined the rest of Shepard’s Normandy team. Wrex didn’t seem like the hugging type, but he had a constant arm around Tali. Reminded Kaidan that they weren’t just her team; they were her family. 

And he couldn’t fathom how much the other ones must hurt, knowing they weren’t around to protect her. 

His hurt, of still failing her even though he was there? That was a different beast. 

They all chatted for a bit, pretended to be interested in catching up on Flotilla business or Wrex building his family from the ground up or the new Prothean artifact Liara uncovered. But Kaidan could tell no one, not even the people sharing, really cared. That was just how deep Shepard had gotten under all their skins. It was like apart who they were was gone. 

Looking at Liara, twisting her hands into knots and constantly staring down at them, he wanted to unwind her and hold her and tell her it had to be okay. Maybe part of that compulsion was because he knew she’d tell him the same thing. Even if it was a lie, it was comforting one. And later, maybe they could tell each other all the gentle lies that would help them survive. 

But the missing Normandy family member had to be his first priority. Because if anyone understood Kaidan’s grief, it was him, and knowing that, Kaidan didn’t really like the fact he was MIA. He stood himself next to Tali, the closest one here to the guy, and asked, “Do you know where Joker is?”

“I got to talk to him earlier, but it didn’t seem like he was doing well. He walked off with Shepard’s mother after we said hello. I haven’t seen him since.”

Kaidan wished that was comforting, but as he knew from Alliance Brass that Oksana disappeared twenty minutes ago, that didn’t help him find Joker. 

Giving everyone a quick hugm, he said, “I’ll be back. I need to find him.”

No one questioned him, but Liara did hold onto him a little longer than she should. But to hell with appearances or if their friends found out there was something between them. Shepard was dead. 

And Joker needed friends just like the rest of them. 

It was difficult to swim through all the soldiers in one room, but the plus side was that a snarky pilot with Vrolik Syndrome still stuck out like a sore thumb to everyone. A few asks, and he was directed over to a balcony where Joker was leaning, overlooking the massiveness of the Citadel.

When he stood next to him, leaning his own elbows on the railing, Joker didn’t ask him questions or exchanged pleasantries. Funerals do that to some people. He just said, plainly, “I don’t think I’m ever gonna drink a drop again.”

Kaidan felt each word the pilot said with every inch of his body. He knew exactly what he was really meaning. “Joker, it wasn't-”

“I know it wasn’t, Kaidan, but I need it to be something, even something dumb. Otherwise it just feels like we lost her for nothing.” Joker took off his hat, used it to scratch his head. For the guy who normally followed everything with a joke, it was hard to see him be so serious. It just kept hitting Kaidan that this was what happened when a real hero, a legend, dies. “I could always tell how much it hurt her, losing people on missions. And I guess I never really got it, because the only one I cared enough about was my unkillable Anya. But I get it, now.”

Sighing deeply, Kaidan tried to follow it up, fill his lungs back up with air, but he never could quite get enough. He settled for talking. “Part of Alliance life is losing friends.”

“She’s different.”

“We didn’t just lose a friend. We lost a hero.”

Joker snorted next to him like he just said something profoundly dumb. “Most of Anya’s life, she wasn’t a hero. Until Akuze, she was just a soldier. And before that, she was just the obnoxious asshole I was stuck living with. But she was happier, back then. Sometimes on the Normandy I got to see that asshole again, and no matter how much the Alliance called her a hero, she found her ways to stay an asshole. She was my family. That’s how she’s different, Alenko, but if you prefer to cling to the hero bullshit, be my guest. I guess she was different like that, too.” Joker put his hat back on and turned away. “I’m gonna find Oksana. I need to be with family.”

Kaidan didn’t mean to say something wrong, but he also knew better than to chase after Joker and try to fix things. Instead, he floated around the memorial until he got back to the Normandy crew and tried to chat with them like this whole thing wasn’t eating at him. 

It wasn’t until later, when he was walking home, alone, that someone slipped their arm around his and surprised him. When he looked, it was who he should expect: one freckled Asari, trying to give her best, reassuring smile. “Would you like company?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

He stared straight ahead as they walked; he wasn’t sure if it was the funeral or the fact her arm was so soft, but Kaidan didn’t feel like he should have something pleasant happening to him on the day he mourned his friend. Christ, not just his friend. A woman he thought he loved. 

But clearly, between Garrus and Joker’s comments, he never really knew anything about Shepard in the first place. 

They walked in comfortable silence for awhile, and he had to admit, it was just nice to have someone with him. He’d been running around all day, trying to make sure people were okay and utterly failing at it. He knew with Shepard gone he had to step up, but her shoes weren’t exactly easy to fill. In all honesty, Kaidan wasn’t sure anyone could ever fill them. 

So, he was just stuck walking around like a toddler in their dad’s boots. 

Suddenly, though, Liara’s grip on his arm tightened. When he looked at her, she was staring at something with a quivering lip. Kaidan followed her gaze, to vids of Shepard playing on a nearby screen. People were gathering around it, enrapt. 

Next to him, though, Liara looked ready to burst into tears. 

He couldn’t fix things today, but maybe he could help with this. “C’mon, my apartment’s nearby, you can get some privacy there.”

Liara didn’t say a word, just nodded and buried her face in his shoulder. It was weird, to see her so vulnerable. Most days the Asari scientist could flip a car with her biotics if someone’s driving annoyed her enough. Sure, she’d probably say sorry afterwards (and probably to the car, not the owner) but her crying?

Well, he didn’t even catch her crying when her mother died. 

Only a few blocks and an alley or two later, and they made it to the Alliance apartments. They were designated shore leave for some Alliance soldiers who often took their free time on the Citadel. It was hard to know Shepard’s, across from him, was empty. But he figured it wasn’t the time to mention that. Instead, he opened the door and let Liara in. 

He kinda expected her to start crying, but she didn’t. She only let one tear trickle down her face as she sat down on the edge of his bed, leaning so far forward onto her knees. 

While he didn’t know exactly what to do, he kneeled in front of her and leaned his arms on hers. “It’s okay. We’ve all lost a lot.”

“Shepard wouldn’t be falling apart like this, she’d be rallying troops, making moves, saving--”

Kaidan kissed the top of Liara’s head and she finally looked up at him. “From what I’ve learned the past couple days, I think Shepard fell apart a lot more often than we knew. She just kept it hidden from us.” She was taking deep breaths, but each one looked like it was cutting through her. “Liara, just talk to me.”

“I never knew Anya, not really, did I? Nor my mother. I keep looking up to these idealized versions of people I love and then I only get close to who they really are once they’re dead. Is that why I study dead species? Because I can’t understand living ones?”

Kaidan took her hand in his and tried to reassure her; while loss was always wrapped in comfortable lies for him, this wasn’t one of them. “No. I think it’s much more special than that. I think you understand them better because you want to learn everything you can even though you can’t be with them. Most people just want to move on. I think that’s pretty brave, to hold onto lost people just because you want them to be seen even though they’re gone.”

“You said that a lot more poetically than I’ve ever heard.” Wiping her face and trying to pull herself together, Kaidan just wished she would stop pushing herself to be okay. Because the truth is? None of them were. “What do we do now that she’s gone?

He smirked, and tried not to sound too ridiculous. “We save the galaxy.”

“Ah yes, that easy task.”

“What other choice do we have? I’d love to have Shepard back, but if she can inspire people to do the job she left behind, that has to be enough, or we’ll all die.” After what he just said, he kinda wanted to cringe at his own words. Christ, he’d have to get a lot better at that. Nothing Shep ever said was so... depressing. “This is the worst pep talk I’ve ever given.”

“You say that, but you’re right.” Liara cupped his face in her hands, her blue eyes staring right into his. For so long he wanted the sharp edges of Shepard to soften like this, but why was he looking for her to be someone she wasn’t? He should’ve just been someone who would look at him like this. Kind eyes, freckles, and all, he could get drunk on Liara’s face. “I know you feel like you didn’t help people today, but you tried and were willing to learn from your failures. That matters.” Then she pressed her lips against his and it made everything before it even better. 

When they pulled apart, Kaidan asked, “You sure you’re not shutting me up just so I don’t try to give you another pep talk?”

“No. I just want to remember we’re alive, Kaidan.”

He pressed his forehead against hers and pushed her back onto the bed. “I wouldn’t mind remembering that with you.”

And they did a lot of remembering, and made some new memories along the way. By the end of it, his head was filled with everything she ever said to him. It was all bundling up together like a beautiful-sounding aphrodisiac. 

Even if she never wanted to see him again, he could live off that stockpile for quite some time.   
But she didn’t push him away. Afterwards, they held each other close and talked about nothing until they fell asleep. On one of the worst days of his life, this was one of the best nights he’d ever had. 

That is, until he started hearing some loud pounding outside his door. It wasn’t on his door, but it was like someone was trying to break into something. Kaidan didn’t even beleive he was hearing things right at first, someone being stupid enough to try to break into Alliance apartments. A few more pounds, though, and he was pretty sure they had an idiot on their hands. 

Getting out of bed, hoping not to wake Liara, he pulled on his pants and hoped he could just scare off whoever was making so much noise. Hopefully they were just drunk and lost or something. 

When he opened the door, though, it was the last person who wanted to see him. The turian turned around, his blue eyes threw omni-blades at him, and Kaidan was suddenly regretting coming outside. 

Before he could even get in a word, Garrus put his forearm against his chest and shoved him against the wall. “Because of you, she’s not here anymore. Do you even have anything to say about that?”

Kaidan wanted to talk, to try to diffuse the situation, but Garrus was pressing so hard against his chest and throat that it was difficult to even breathe. His back pressed up on the cool metal wall wasn’t helping, either. He had to wriggle a bit before he could even get anything out, “I’m sorry, Garrus. I fucked up. I--” Garrus just pushed harder, and Kaidan couldn’t say anything anymore. A part of him knew that Garrus wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t really try to hurt him, but the sheer bloodlust in the turian’s eyes gave him pause. 

The kind of pause he really didn’t like having. 

He didn’t even get to try to choke out another sentence before his own door opened. Out came Liara, in his Alliance robe, her hand lit up with biotics. While he liked to see a flame in her eyes, for him, no less, he really didn’t want her to get involved in this. But he wasn’t exactly in a place to stop her. Liara said, “Garrus, put him down.”

For a split second, Kaidan was sincerely convinced they were about to have a fight with their former Normandy crew member. Garrus looked ready to throw him through the wall instead of just against it. But right before he was sure he was getting punched, the long-range expert dropped him. Garrus crossed his arms and said, “Riiight, I remember Shepard told me you two hooked up. Well, congratulations, without your pathetic crushes on her you wouldn’t be here together. You get to be happy. But she’s not here, and you both know that’s bullshit.”

Kaidan started, “I think we should all just--”

When Garrus flicked his glare over to him, he stopped dead. He didn’t look like the kind of man who needed any pushing, right now. “I don’t take orders from you.”

“Garrus, she wouldn’t want you to do this.” Garrus turned his face toward Liara, and Kaidan wanted to hate having her here, putting her in danger. But without her, he might have already gotten a face full of glass, so he had to appreciate that. “I know how you feel--”

“None of you understand how I feel.” Around them, the air stilled, and they both just stared at Garrus. He looked like a grenade ready to burst. He didn’t hurt them, though, he just took a few steps back and said, “Fuck, I just need to go.”

As the turian walked off, Liara tried to follow him, saying, “Garrus--”

“Let him go. I don’t think he wants to see any of us right now.” Her face looked up to him, heartbroken all over again, but he quickly got distracted by doubling over, coughing. Delayed pain was a bitch. 

Liara grabbed onto his arm and pulled him inside, placing him on the bed. “Are you okay?”

Rubbing his chest, he closed his eyes could already feel the bruises forming. “I just got pummeled into a wall by a very strong, very angry turian in mourning.” Kaidan coughed, but compared to how Garrus looked, he was pretty sure he could take the chest pain. “All things considered, I’m fine.”

Her fingers traced his chest and it started to feel better. He blinked. Of course, damned sweet hearted woman broke out some medi-gel. Kaidan knew that an injury like that couldn’t be too bad, but it seemed to help her shaking hands still. All that must’ve rattled her more than she let on. He didn’t say anything until she finished. “You didn’t need to do that, but thank you.” 

“He didn’t have to hurt you.”

“If he keeps it up, we’ll have a talk. But we need to let him figure out his own grieving process.” 

Liara sighed, but then said, “How are any of us going to survive losing her if it does this to us?”

Kaidan tucked his finger under her chin and made her look at him. “The first step is to lean on each other.” Kissing her, he tried to be as gentle as possible. Partly, because of the other topic. Otherwise, because his chest still hurt a little more than he needed to let on. “You want to stay up a little longer and talk about her? And the Normandy?”

“Yeah.”   
So that’s what they did: Kaidan got Liara a proper big sleep shirt and they laid in bed together, hands intertwined, talking about their favorite Shepard memories until they couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore. 

Everyone else was dealing with losing Shepard differently, but if there was one thing he was thankful for, it was that he could do it with Liara.


End file.
